something terribly horrible and painful happened yesterday.
a secret that ive kept with me fer da past few months,
suddenly decided to revealed itself.
ive never thought of the consequences.
i never did.
and yesterday, it finally wants me to face the consequences.
ive let someone down.
in fact, not just someone but alot more.
if only the rest knew.
that someone's not talking to me.
he's not talking, he's not even looking at me.
i think he's too hurt to look at me.
i think he's too ashamed to look at me.
mayb i disgust him.
mayb he hates me.
im unsure.
but one thing i m sure of is that,
i am ashame of myself.
i was foolish.
i was stupid.
i was naive.
yesterday, i cried myself crazy.
i was afraid.
afraid that he wont treat me the same animore.
i was afraid that he wont talk, laugh, fight, love me animore.
we used to share almost everything together.
he's secrets r safe with me.
my secrets r safe with him.
n yes, this secret is definitely too much fer him to handle.
i dont blame him.
if i were him, i would probably not forgive myself either.
i guess this puts a strain to our relationship.
yesterday, i did some soul-searching.
my head hurts because i think too much.
i talked to Boi, Hadi, Afiq, Shahirah, Ahfad n Jo.
they tried to calm me down.
but i still feel bad.
i just didnt have a peace of mind.
during religious class,
i did some thinking.
n amazingly, i got down to 2 decisions.
it's either that i can end it all or
i can pray to the Al-mighty to guide me on what to do.
luckily, my conscience were clear.
i remember werds frm someone that says that
thinking n praying to the AL-mighty will definitely give u a peace of mind.
so yesterday, i bathed n i prayed to the Al-mighty.
i not onli want Him to calm me down but to calm down those whu were hurt by my actions.
i pray fer forgiveness.
of course, He is the only one whu could help in this matter.
He is the only one who could make things right again.
He is the only one who could then help me make the right decision
so that i wont make the similar or an even worse mistake.
i pray to Him that He'll help me&him overcome this.
i also pray to Him that he&her will finally talk again.
i pray to Him that this family becomes like what it once were.
it's funny how i always turn to Him whenever ive gotten myself into deep shit.
and i just dont know what to do.
well, im sure im not the only one who do this.
of course there r others.
we, humans arent perfect.
we do things sometimes without thinking.
however, the mistakes we make can always b forgiven&forgotten.
sure, we cant take back what we've done&said.
if i can turn back time, i definitely would.
but i cant.
now, all i want is to do the right thing.
to whuever it may concern:
i admit,
i DO NOT have a good reason y i did what i did.
i apologize frm the bottom of my heart, soul
dat u had to see what u were not supposed to see.
im sorry.
i know that i have hurt u deeply.
ur actions yesterday definitely speaks louder than werds.
but i want u to know that u hurt me too.
by not speaking to me, by not looking at me,
by ignoring me, by avoiding me.
u dont know how happy i was when u finally did reply my sms.
i dont think i can speak to u.
i want to speak to u.
but im too ashamed to even look at u,
let alone talk to u.
i understand if it takes u awhile to finally talk to me.
but i understand.
i know ive let them* down.
if they were to ever knew this,
im sure, i wont b living n having whatever that i have now.
n i know, that they will probably not forgive me as well.
BUT believe me,
the last thing that i want to do is to hurt anione of u.
let alone u.
i m sorry.
n i hope that u'll forgive me.